Fear

Yesterday I thought Jeff was dead. Again.

Jeff is flying a plane from Johannesburg in South Africa to the United States via Namibia, Sao Tome (a little island off the west coast of Africa), the Canary Islands, Ireland, Greenland, Canada and then the US. When Jeff is away we always speak frequently. Constantly. Due to the adventurous nature of this trip we have a system where Jeff will phone or text when he arrives at each refueling spot or final location. I had spoken to him at 8pm on Tuesday night and he was due to arrive at Sao Tome about 4 - 5 am Australian time Wednesday morning.

I woke at 7am and there was no text message and no phone call.

I tried to call Jeff a couple of time and it went straight to voicemail. Then I tried to phone Derek - another of the men on the flight and it went straight to voicemail. This was because both phones were on the bottom of the ocean, together with the aircraft and all on board. I went and checked my emails and there was no email from Jeff. Then I re-checked the route and then I checked the weather to see what was happening in Sao Tome - all clear.

And then I waited. And waited. And waited.

I have a tendency to think that Jeff is dead. Often. Due to the high risk nature of his work, I jump to the conclusion that he is dead every time he is late. He has learnt to phone every time something unexpected comes up, to avoid dealing with an upset wife when he arrives home. So it is very unusual for him to not call.

So far, Jeff has never been dead!

So I'm telling myself I have an over active mind. That everything is fine. But underneath that I am living with the tension of facing a future without Jeff - unbearable. My mind is flooded with a multitude of things I will need to do -

get in contact with the Navy regarding Jeff's pension;
organise his funeral;
move out of our home;
do the lawns - overwhelmingly daunting that aspect of being alone;
sell properties....and I haven't finished the tax yet - oh my goodness, that means our tax refund will get caught up in probate....I should have been more efficient;
I'm doing a skin cancer treatment on my face and it is all scabby - I'll have to face everyone looking terrible - oh yes, how vain!;
when will I be able to see clients again and sit with them in their grief if I am going through my own grief process;
I'll have to stop spending money immediately;
I'll have to get a full time job;
I'll have to postpone my studies;
Poor Jeff! Poor me!

May I add that this day was the last day of my 14 day skin cancer treatment and I was feeling very fragile to begin with.

So off I head to work. I can't tell Laura, because she won't cope with the fact that her Dad is dead. I'll wait until I know for sure. I call Jeff's good friend and co-worker Steve - no answer. I phone Jeff's PA Shweta, no answer. I call the receptionist at CareFlight - she doesn't know anything. I try and phone Derek's wife but their phone is busy - she must be on the phone to someone talking about the plane crash! Breathe deep Wendy. They're probably fine, but deep down I feel sure they're not. Will I leave my phone on while I'm seeing my clients so that I can take THE call? I am nearly at work when Suzie from CareFlight phones to tell me that Dave from CareFlight has had some email correspondence with Jeff since they've arrived in Sao Tome at 5.30am. It is now 9am and I'VE heard nothing from Jeff. I hang up from Suzie and burst into tears relieved that they are OK. That relief turns to anger that "Jeff would do that to me!!" Not that he did anything to me at all, I did it all to myself. When I arrive at work I check my email via my phone and there is one from Jeff that arrived after I'd left for work telling me that he was OK and had arrived safely.


Throughout the day the wonderful caring people of CareFlight all did their best to support me through my anxiety and fear by phoning and leaving messages when I was in with clients. Meanwhile I was meeting with clients hearing of their fears and concerns when all the time I was holding my own fear without the time to process it all.

What do I know from this experience......

Bad things happen to good people. Believing in the grace and mercy of Jesus does not immune me to the tragedies of life. It is not a "get out of jail free card". Jeff may well have been dead. People die tragically every day. Who's to say that a tragedy won't affect my life, or that I may BE the tragedy. Yet just because tragedy strikes, it doesn't mean that God was absent. Where is God in the midst of tragedy? Does he just turn a blind eye? Or is Jesus with me even in the midst of tragedy?

Does my faith in the goodness of God depend upon things going well with me and my loved ones? I believe God sees me in the midst of my problems and says "lean on me - for my yoke is easy and my burden is light". Wikepedia defines a yoke as a wooden beam, normally used between a pair of oxen or other animals to enable them to pull together on a load when working in pairs. I am not alone. God is walking with me through any event and He makes my burdens light.

Do I want tragedy to occur? Definitely not! But if it should, my God is big enough, sees enough, cares enough to walk through that dark valley with me. When I was imagining that I was walking through the dark valley, I knew God was there with me. It didn't take the dark valley away. But it was enough.

Minutes ticking by...

Minutes tick by whether we want them to or not.
Time passes.
Life is lived.

I want to live my life on purpose. What does that even look like? It's more than achieving, more than doing, more than ticking the boxes.

I want to love.... laugh..... connect..... create....
I want to twirl with delight with my arms outstretched reaching to the heavens dancing the journey with my creator.